Victoria Secret No More

Today was MAJOR. Really major. I discovered an amazing wardrobe condiment - much better than those awful squeeze-into-pants that remove not only the panty line but also a couple of ribs. What I found today is known here as a "boardie".
Here's what happened. I was searching for a bathing suit. Which is always a somewhat neurotic and very traumatic event. Say what you want, I have hips that people refer to as "good for child bearing" [which as it turns out, was not true]. These hips do not look good clad in most bathing suits. Even if I go up a few sizes [which presents another problem..the ethical issue of switching tops - a tiny top to go with the larger bottom], I generally hate buying a bathing suit. So I rarely do, which explains why the one suit I own is frayed and there is almost no elastic left and I really can't wear it. This last suit was bought from a Victoria Secret catalogue - on sale. On sale means it wasn't a big seller. No kidding. The ones that sell out belong on Victoria Secret models. Not me.
I'm faced with a dilemma. We are in New Zealand for G-d's sake. On a beach. It is 90 degrees out. No humidity. Cloudless sky. We are heading south this weekend. To an even more goregous beach than the one I can see from my patio. I MUST have a bathing suit. I am wandering around the main retail store in a sweat. I pick up pajamas and a tee-shirt on sale. Anything to procrastinate and derail me from the swimsuit section. Then I spot a rack of what appears to be shorter than long shorts, longer than bathing suit, but in bathing suit material bottoms. What is this I wonder? I gaze up to discover I am in the Women's SURFING section. These wonderful longer than bathing suit suits are called Boardies and they are for women to wear on their surf boards. They come in all colors and with designs or stripes. There are no tops to worry about stealthily exchanging. They are soft. And flattering. And COOL. In moments, I've transformed from a matronly, self-conscious, almost 50 something to a SURFER CHICK...and I will never get near a board. But who needs to know? I can sit on the sand and frolic in the waves and not have to worry one bit about my backside!
I think I'll get a license on these things. I can imagine selling out at Saks and Neimans throughout the Northshore. If you can't wait to order YOUR pair, here is a link to the leading Australian brand: http://www.surfstitch.com/index.cfm/?s=1&a=catalog.search&keyword=shorts&keyword.x=0&keyword.y=0&gclid=CIL-yJy2kpgCFRlcagoddQHZng
The nose ring, however, is not going to happen.