Have you seen George Clooney?

With rare exception, I do not watch television. The rare exceptions are:
1. I am on a business trip and I am working out in the hotel gym and the news is on.
2. The first two seasons of LOST, before I became even more so lost with a plot so ridiculous that not even Sawyer's naughty-boy biceps or Jack's three-day growth could salvage it.
3. 24, until I could no longer find any website accessible from my New Zealand server that was able to get by the infringement police. And.....
4. ER. I used to LOVE ER.

I loved ER even after George Clooney aka Dr. Ross left the show to become People's Sexiest Man Alive. Maybe it was the faux documentary camera angle. Or maybe it was Dr. Green's bedside manner. Or Dr. Carter's mission to Africa. Or maybe Abby becoming a doctor. Thursday nights mean ER and long before tivo and DVRing, I would make sure I was settled into the couch - caller ID prepped to allow no one in between 9 and 10 p.m.

The funny thing is, for much of any given episode, I couldn't watch. Any scene involving a syringe or scalpel - even though I knew the blood was fake, the vein plastic - and nausea hit me. Head between my legs, just like the real doctor's office. However, I persisted. Show after show. Contusion after myocardial infarction after fractured femur screeching out of the skin.

Imagine, then, the surprise of my husband, when I announce that I will be volunteering in the hospital's EMERGENCY DEPARTMENT as one of my newfound volunteer jobs.[I've included a small photo of the Gisborne Hospital above - next to the ER cast]



Yep. After undergoing eight hours of training and a police check by Gisborne's finest, I was officially hired by the St John organization to serve as a FED - Friend of the Emergency Department. St John is a worldwide organization that provides all sorts of medical care services. Its primary business is to operate a fleet of ambulances. It also works in the community as a sort of "visiting nurse" program and has one division devoted to placing people like me in the emergency department.

The FEDs are to provide comfort and care to the patients - and some relief to the nurses and docs. I am amazed by this whole enterprise. While I was very well trained and oriented into the position - there is a great deal of freedom and judgment involved on any given shift.

Some of our duties include:

-Changing the bed linens when a patient is discharged. This involves thorough sanitation of the mattress and gurney and anything else that looks tainted. I get a certain thrill putting on the latex gloves and hosing down the beds - not a spot of any bodily fluid or even a stray hair will be visible when I'm finished. The best part actually is peeling OFF the gloves and tossing them into the bins. Very STAT of me.

- Offering the patient and visitor a cup of tea or coffee. This just blows my mind. Can you imagine the many lawsuits that would be triggered in the U.S. if a layperson gave someone a cup of too-hot coffee? This isn't a McDonald's drivethrough. This is a HOSPITAL. And, as long as we ask the nurse if it is OK for the patient to drink [or eat a sandwich], we provide service that would impress even the most jaded Zagat's critic. I've learned to add just a splash of tap water to the beverage to make sure it isn't too hot and make sure the patient's bed is raised for easy sipping.

- Finding a magazine, book or toy [if there is a toddler in tow]. Even though most of the publications still have Nicole married to Tom, the fact that someone has provided a distraction to the wait for a bloodtest result or xray scan is so appreciated.

- We do other things as needed. As mundane as emptying the dishwasher in the staff lounge. As critical as making sure every patient room is stocked with its share of gauze, breathing masks, lubricant, tongue sticks and disinfectant wipes.

And what about HIPPA? How do the kiwis handle a process that has become more complex than reviewing a corporate prospectus every time you visit your internist?

Here's how it goes.

Sally [not her real name] is training me. "Now," she says. "Patient confidentialty is very important. You don't ever tell anyone who you've seen in the department."

I don't know anyone here, I think to myself.

"You don't ask them what's wrong and you don't tell anyone what you've done during your shift" she continues. "You may see the patient's aunt or brother downtown and you just can't mention anything about seeing them in the hospital." [I'm wondering how this rule might go over with the country club set at home where exchanging whose seen whom where with whom else is the gist of most Sunday morning brunch conversations].

The trainer gives us a little test. What do you do if you are in the staff room cleaning up and the nurses are discussing a patient?

1. You call the patient's lawyer to advise her of a breach of confidentiality?
2. You interrupt the staff discussion and tell them they should not be talking about a patient?
3. You leave the room and empty the dishwasher later?

Hmmmm....

Number 1 is obviously a trap for the litigious Americano [there is no malpractice in New Zealand]
Number 2 is a trick question as it is GOOD for nurses to talk about patients in order to collaborate on a treatment plan.
Number 3. Bingo!

Sally continues. "It is just a matter of common sense."
Common sense. How easy it is to boil down what we have done with our regulatory hammer.

Rules understood. Bed making perfected. Lips sealed...I am ready. So far. So good.

I have seen a few IVs since I started working in the ED. And I didn't faint or even get tipsy.

I made a little girl a cup of hot chocolate.

I almost threw out a bin of eucalyptus oil placed in room 7 to cover the smell of diarrhea and then almost saved a bin of mucous that someone neglected to pitch in room 4. It is a really good idea to ask the nurses which liquid is worth keeping.

I don't see a midcareer application to med school in my future. I'll still need to lie down before giving blood. But, I think I might be able to watch an entire hour of ER without blinking. After all, this is the final season.